Before there was my “Take No Sh*it-Era,” there was 50 years of “Everything is Peachy-Era.”  That was when I was naive and a soft rose-colored veil covered my world with softness. I wasn’t oblivious, I was optimistic.  I have lived in moments of darkness, tragedy, upheaval, and uncertainty, but I still saw this worldly experience as a beautiful gift, especially being able to learn and experience the depths with so much emotion. 

I have always been “sensitive” and “too much,” but moving through the world with emotional awareness can make accomplishments feel intensely satisfying, sometimes even euphoric. I shaped my own idea of what success looked like and it was to become a worldly, well-rounded, deeply caring soul. I took every dark and turned it into light.  Perhaps, looking back now, I was simply surviving, but I wrapped it all in my soft veil and called it courage; I didn’t let anything take me down.  Every opportunity of challenge was an opportunity to be brave.

As a child endlessly moving from city to city, state to state, I viewed it as chances to make new friends and see new places; Growing up impoverished, I felt deep gratitude when I was able to provide my own children stability and privilege; Being a precocious free-spirited child, I learned street savvy strategies to fend for myself, which led to self sufficiency as an adult; In a family where survival skills were valued more than college, I was the first (and only) in my immediate family to get a BA degree and that taught me that education is a virtue; As a single, pregnant woman with a fresh degree but no money, I learned to stand up for myself and to seek resources, which taught me independence.

I danced almost everyday with my kids, showing them that your body can show emotion through movement and to never be afraid to be yourself, to love yourself.  And I continued on like that, with humility being the root of my nurturing.  I wanted to show them that you can leave places where you are not appreciated and build new homes, and even when it doesn’t go as planned, and it didn’t, you persevere and shift your perspective to maintain momentum.  The goal: to be the best you can.  Sometimes that meant you weren’t your best at all.  Sometimes we are not kind and sometimes we are not patient, but you grow when you recognize what brought you down.

THEN…

Cancer tore that veil out of my hands with all of my courage wrapped inside.  I was left standing there naked. I felt disappointment in the people who weren’t there and deep grief realizing that I was alone. And perhaps, I had done that to myself. I thought, I must’ve pushed those people away.  I must not have spoken up loudly enough about what I needed. Maybe I hadn’t been clear about what I had experienced and maybe everything was my fault. I was too sad, or too happy; just never enough cancer-y.

I thought, maybe I was never really transparent and it was then that I realized transparency is everything.  We have to show we are human.  We have to show our triumphs, but also be honest about our flaws.  So, I wanted to show the beauty in loss.  That’s when I started Breastlessilicious.  I wanted to show that physical parts of me were taken from me, and experiences, too, but I’m still feminine and resilient.  My Everything is fine, Just Fine-Era way was always about turning dark into light and it felt right, and even without that soft veil with my courage inside, I was still me and I bounced back.

THEN, later…

Cancer came back like a toxic ex and took all of my light and made everything dark.  Naked, alone in the dark.  I had to make decisions like, would I rather live longer and sick everyday, or live not as long and feel fine until my organs fail.  Or, do I want to use my life savings to pay over 20,000 a month to live longer or save my money and die sooner. Or, the hardest question…who are you going to tell? Who is going to show up this time? 

And I chose all of the right answers, THEN….

They took my hormones away.  They, as in the people who hold all of the power that dictates my future, yet can’t pronounce my name.

I had never realized that my abundance of estrogen is what made me sweet and charismatic.  But when they took away my hormones, my Take No Sh*t-Era began.  My jowls started drooping and my heart longed for answers and my spirit became righteous.  I feel raw and open, but I am not mean or entitled; My filter is thinning and I feel called to speak up.

That’s why I called out the nasty, beer-bellied husband of that athletic, freckled wife at Verizon who just wanted to save the $60.00 activation fee, for relentlessly putting her down for ‘always wanting a discount.’ 

I couldn’t bear it anymore, how dare a frump like him (and looks don’t really matter, but in my Take No-Sh*t-Era, I am calling it ALL out) be blasting that goddess in front of an entire store, so I turned to him and said, “if you call, they’ll waive the fee.”

He turned to me, that look of aghast, how dare I interrupt him, “what did you say?”

His scowl, or anyone’s scowl for that matter, doesn’t intimidate me in in this new Era, so I said clearer this time, “if you call Verizon, they will waive the fee.” The wife smiled with that look of, “told ya.” He did not like being put in his place.

That veil is no longer there and the world isn’t peachy anymore. It’s UNjust. I see so much clearer now; my naivety is gone. I see that love is not unconditional, that people are blinded by their own truths and will outright change your story in their minds, that people can’t see beyond themselves to show compassion when they can’t even be kind to themselves, that no matter how hard you love someone, you can’t force them to love you back, and that just because someone smiles to your face doesn’t mean that they are your friend.

I still want to move through the world learning, growing, and deeply caring. I still desire that softness, but with an edge. My new Era is about truth, legacy, and my story, but instead of wrapping it up in a soft veil, I am squeezing it into a box of words. Black and white; yin and yang, all good is not all good and all bad is not all bad.

That’s all for today. See you soon, babes.

Gilda